Post by Matt Hawthorne on Sept 19, 2004 22:00:21 GMT -5
'm dropping Music Theory and possibly Pre-Calculus.
School pressure is already getting to me. I have not been relaxed since it started, due to worrrying about homework or tests or something. Everyone makes it seem like if you don't do well in high school, your life ends and you end up as some asshole hobo. But what I dont get is that if school is making people unhappy, why be forced in it? I mean, whats the point of being successful if you are not happy? I would happy as a sh#t poor musician who plays instruments for a living. But NOOO, i can't do that. Why? CAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE SUCCESSFUL OR YOU ARE A WORTHLESS HUMAN BEING WHO CANT GET ANYWHERE IN LIFE! .....I hate the world. It twists and turns to f*ck you up, and it has to me. My entire life has been nothing but worrying and abuse. I was born fighting meningitis, a disease that can kill anyone. I survived. I was also born with a lazy eye, thus having to get glasses at the delicate age of four. I would be teased about these glasses. Then I hit the 3rd grade, where i met a demon child named thomas. Tom Forkin, yes, that's it. He would constantly torture me. Me, being the pacifist that I was, let him due this to me. I would come home crying and missing sh#t because he would take it. Eventually I grew harder at these attacks and starting fighting back. But he wouldn't stop. Soon I became " the jew with the lazy eye that b#tches about stuff." so, i was laughed at more. Then in about 7th, right as I stopped seing Tom, i met ADAM VOLPE in camp. The retard from Long Beach with ADHD. He pissed my friend Craig and I off every day. Around this time I got about 3 Hernias, and the retard KICKS ME WHERE MY HERNIA IS and i start spitting up blood. He laughed. Oh, how I hated his face, mocking me as I laid on the gravel, looking up at him. His delicate little finger stabbing at me, insulting me. But, alas, there was nothing I could do about it. I had to lie there, spitting out blood, with NOBODY noticing. Eventually I got up and punched him in the face, only for me to get in trouble by the camp. Almost suspended for a week... from a camp. Total bullsh#t. As if my life could get any worse, around 8th grade my parents for some reason stopped liking my best friend, Keith. So, "Matt, you can't hang out with Keith anymore." just like that, they cut me off from my one true confidant, the one kid who i told EVERYTHING to. In one sec, my life was changed yet again..... But no, I knew about this b#tching. So I fought it. I would sneak over to his house and hang out, pissing my pants for when my mother was going to call. I was honest, I would say "im at keith's house." but i wouldnt leave his house. So, one of my parents, or my grandparents would drive to his house and drag me out. After that, they would yell at me for being disobedient with no respect WHEN THEY f*ckED ME UP IN THE FIRST PLACE! Eventually I began to fall apart, the beginning of what I am now. I started to pull out my hair and slump in school. I would write dark things in my journal and hide it. But my parents know about privacy and how you should anal rape it, so they read it. And automatically assumed I was going to kill myself or something and forcefully threw me into therapy. When it all started because of them. Now Majorie (my therapist to this day) is a very nice lady, but really didnt help me until about the 5th time I was there. I doubt she wanted to milk money from us or anything like that, she's a morally fit woman. But anyways, I digress. One day I was sitting around and my parents came home from talking with Marjorie and said, and I quote, "The Keith ban is off." And then left. Oh, how I hated them even more. Of course I said yay thank you mommy i love you, but no, the satanous woman wouldn't get the real me. She didn't deserve it. Why would I say thank you to her when she was just correcting her wrongs. She should be apologizing to me, on her knees. But no, I was supposed to kiss her ass. I did, I didn't care anymore, I just wanted no more fighting in my life. But HA! god didnt' see it that way. God knows I had to suffer more. So, I met Ashley. I don't remember how we met, but I do know we flirted a lot. Eventually we went out. For like, uhm, I dont' even remember. But that time it seemed like I had no problems besides the constant hustle of school. But I broke up with her, and I almost died inside. I needed some time away. Apparently this is the time where her parents starting throwing darts at my picture, cause after that I got b#tched by them. I eventualy went back out with her, hoping for a second spark. 8 months.. or 9 or 10 iddont remember. But i do remember her parents yelling over the phone, "hes a goddamned asshole, break up with him already." just another scar on my mentality, wasn't it mrs benatar. Just like to f*ck with my head mrs benatar. DON'T YOU FIND ME CRAZY MRS BENATAR?!? Heh, maybe so. But give me my respect you b#tch. After that the b#tching continued. I wasn't allowed to speak to her or call her. It was flat out ridiculous. I broke it off, again, and this time I died inside. I still am dead. Heh, I sound gay. But I don't care. Whatever. I tried to stay friends, but no, it couldnt' work. Eventually the one woman I probably will ever love for a long time hated me,and said "you know what, my parents were right. You're nothing but a dick and an asshole.. Goodbye." *sigh*. How do you cope with such a thing like that? Someone please tell me how do you cope when the one you love stabs you? The hypocrisy of the world is amazing. I feel like Poe, writing out things like these. But i like it. Its amusing to see just how bad my mind is. How sick I am. I think I need help. Serious help. Even Majorie can't help me permanently. I think I'lla lways be this way, this boy I am. Plus, I still had to deal with school and the teacher b#tching. I had a tutor cause I was stupid. Brian didnt have one and was one point lower than me. I'm pathetic. See how low my esteem is? I'm afraid to smoke cause i dont want to be addicted to something. It would destroy me, and then I would kill myself to free myself of the tragedy, causing another one. But who would care, you'd all get over it. I still have school troubles, and I still almost sh#t my pants when I see her in the halls. My two arm scars will always be my bookmarks of what happened, and what went down. I have not had fun in 3 years. Fun = Total relaxation for at least one day. I know. It's crazy. I feel sick. I am sick. I hate you. I hate the world. This is my euology, for when I'm not here anymore. 80 years from now people will see me lowered down. I won't kill myself unless its at the pits, but I'm close. God save me. Alanna, I want you to tell our friends about what I've written if they don't see it. I want help. I'm too afraid to ask. I don't want to be hurt or hurt anyone. .......farewell.
School pressure is already getting to me. I have not been relaxed since it started, due to worrrying about homework or tests or something. Everyone makes it seem like if you don't do well in high school, your life ends and you end up as some asshole hobo. But what I dont get is that if school is making people unhappy, why be forced in it? I mean, whats the point of being successful if you are not happy? I would happy as a sh#t poor musician who plays instruments for a living. But NOOO, i can't do that. Why? CAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE SUCCESSFUL OR YOU ARE A WORTHLESS HUMAN BEING WHO CANT GET ANYWHERE IN LIFE! .....I hate the world. It twists and turns to f*ck you up, and it has to me. My entire life has been nothing but worrying and abuse. I was born fighting meningitis, a disease that can kill anyone. I survived. I was also born with a lazy eye, thus having to get glasses at the delicate age of four. I would be teased about these glasses. Then I hit the 3rd grade, where i met a demon child named thomas. Tom Forkin, yes, that's it. He would constantly torture me. Me, being the pacifist that I was, let him due this to me. I would come home crying and missing sh#t because he would take it. Eventually I grew harder at these attacks and starting fighting back. But he wouldn't stop. Soon I became " the jew with the lazy eye that b#tches about stuff." so, i was laughed at more. Then in about 7th, right as I stopped seing Tom, i met ADAM VOLPE in camp. The retard from Long Beach with ADHD. He pissed my friend Craig and I off every day. Around this time I got about 3 Hernias, and the retard KICKS ME WHERE MY HERNIA IS and i start spitting up blood. He laughed. Oh, how I hated his face, mocking me as I laid on the gravel, looking up at him. His delicate little finger stabbing at me, insulting me. But, alas, there was nothing I could do about it. I had to lie there, spitting out blood, with NOBODY noticing. Eventually I got up and punched him in the face, only for me to get in trouble by the camp. Almost suspended for a week... from a camp. Total bullsh#t. As if my life could get any worse, around 8th grade my parents for some reason stopped liking my best friend, Keith. So, "Matt, you can't hang out with Keith anymore." just like that, they cut me off from my one true confidant, the one kid who i told EVERYTHING to. In one sec, my life was changed yet again..... But no, I knew about this b#tching. So I fought it. I would sneak over to his house and hang out, pissing my pants for when my mother was going to call. I was honest, I would say "im at keith's house." but i wouldnt leave his house. So, one of my parents, or my grandparents would drive to his house and drag me out. After that, they would yell at me for being disobedient with no respect WHEN THEY f*ckED ME UP IN THE FIRST PLACE! Eventually I began to fall apart, the beginning of what I am now. I started to pull out my hair and slump in school. I would write dark things in my journal and hide it. But my parents know about privacy and how you should anal rape it, so they read it. And automatically assumed I was going to kill myself or something and forcefully threw me into therapy. When it all started because of them. Now Majorie (my therapist to this day) is a very nice lady, but really didnt help me until about the 5th time I was there. I doubt she wanted to milk money from us or anything like that, she's a morally fit woman. But anyways, I digress. One day I was sitting around and my parents came home from talking with Marjorie and said, and I quote, "The Keith ban is off." And then left. Oh, how I hated them even more. Of course I said yay thank you mommy i love you, but no, the satanous woman wouldn't get the real me. She didn't deserve it. Why would I say thank you to her when she was just correcting her wrongs. She should be apologizing to me, on her knees. But no, I was supposed to kiss her ass. I did, I didn't care anymore, I just wanted no more fighting in my life. But HA! god didnt' see it that way. God knows I had to suffer more. So, I met Ashley. I don't remember how we met, but I do know we flirted a lot. Eventually we went out. For like, uhm, I dont' even remember. But that time it seemed like I had no problems besides the constant hustle of school. But I broke up with her, and I almost died inside. I needed some time away. Apparently this is the time where her parents starting throwing darts at my picture, cause after that I got b#tched by them. I eventualy went back out with her, hoping for a second spark. 8 months.. or 9 or 10 iddont remember. But i do remember her parents yelling over the phone, "hes a goddamned asshole, break up with him already." just another scar on my mentality, wasn't it mrs benatar. Just like to f*ck with my head mrs benatar. DON'T YOU FIND ME CRAZY MRS BENATAR?!? Heh, maybe so. But give me my respect you b#tch. After that the b#tching continued. I wasn't allowed to speak to her or call her. It was flat out ridiculous. I broke it off, again, and this time I died inside. I still am dead. Heh, I sound gay. But I don't care. Whatever. I tried to stay friends, but no, it couldnt' work. Eventually the one woman I probably will ever love for a long time hated me,and said "you know what, my parents were right. You're nothing but a dick and an asshole.. Goodbye." *sigh*. How do you cope with such a thing like that? Someone please tell me how do you cope when the one you love stabs you? The hypocrisy of the world is amazing. I feel like Poe, writing out things like these. But i like it. Its amusing to see just how bad my mind is. How sick I am. I think I need help. Serious help. Even Majorie can't help me permanently. I think I'lla lways be this way, this boy I am. Plus, I still had to deal with school and the teacher b#tching. I had a tutor cause I was stupid. Brian didnt have one and was one point lower than me. I'm pathetic. See how low my esteem is? I'm afraid to smoke cause i dont want to be addicted to something. It would destroy me, and then I would kill myself to free myself of the tragedy, causing another one. But who would care, you'd all get over it. I still have school troubles, and I still almost sh#t my pants when I see her in the halls. My two arm scars will always be my bookmarks of what happened, and what went down. I have not had fun in 3 years. Fun = Total relaxation for at least one day. I know. It's crazy. I feel sick. I am sick. I hate you. I hate the world. This is my euology, for when I'm not here anymore. 80 years from now people will see me lowered down. I won't kill myself unless its at the pits, but I'm close. God save me. Alanna, I want you to tell our friends about what I've written if they don't see it. I want help. I'm too afraid to ask. I don't want to be hurt or hurt anyone. .......farewell.
